Wow. Last night was heavy. My eyes are swollen from crying so much, but today I feel so much more clear and powerful. Every time I have a deeply emotional experience I grow from it. I become stronger, more confident, and more aware. My power is in my ability to express myself.
When I was young I learned to make myself small and invisible in school so that I wouldn’t have to deal with any conflict. I wasn’t subscribing to the teenage drama. I wasn’t a nerd, I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t a goth or a punk or an athlete, and I didn’t want to be, because with all of those labels came separation and judgement. I didn’t want to be judged, I just wanted to be loved and accepted.
Then as I came into adulthood after high school, it’s like I was let out of this box. Everything was so open and I was so alone. I just wanted to fit in somewhere. So I attached myself to people, mostly men, who seemed to fit in. I used my sexuality to gain what I thought was power. If I could hold power over someone powerful then that made me feel powerful. However I quickly learned how unfulfilling that was.
Now, here I am, learning how to be alone and be powerful without fitting in anywhere and embracing my sexuality as a means of connection and pleasure rather than for manipulation of another human being. It’s like school is meant to make you feel like you should fit into a box. Like if you don’t fit in somewhere then there’s no place for you in the world, but that’s not true. If everyone is trying to fit into these tiny little boxes then look at all the wide open space there is outside the boxes for you to play around in! If something doesn’t feel right, go do something else. The possibilities are truly endless.
I’m realizing that it’s almost necessary to experience the negative in order to get to the positive. To go through the experience of feeling cocky in order to discover your confidence. To go through the experience of worrying about everything in order to discover that nothing really matters. To go through the experience of feeling powerless in order to discover how powerful you truly are. It all just comes down to your willingness to do the work it takes to get to where you want to be. And I get why people don’t want to do the work; it’s hard and it’s painful, but let me tell you it is so worth it. You have to experience pain to fully embrace pleasure.
Anyways, we are leaving Phoenix tomorrow morning to head to the California Tantra Festival. I am looking forward to new experiences, connecting with people, and continuing to push my boundaries.
Making love to life…